You know what I miss...

I miss cuddling. I miss being imitate. I dream about it. I long for it. I look for you.. In everything. I dream about you walking into the room, wrapping your arms around me and letting me fall asleep in your arms.

Ah, but sadly this is all a dream. I know it's wrong. I know I should behave but you make me want to kiss you and you don't even do anything. Just me wishing for something that I know is never going to happen. " The words we never speak are the ones that hurt us the most."

So close...

I love being around you. I don't know what or why it is but I do. Maybe love is too Strong of a word, maybe I should go with enjoy with so much happiness that I might explode!

Either way I talk about it, I get really happy. You make me smile and I get to laugh. I know you are an awesome friend and that's all this could ever be but sometimes I don't know, sometimes I find myself wishing for more. Even though, I know that's not possible.

I find myself being ... Well being me. Emotions and feelings and all...

I wish I knew what they meant.

This feeling...

I can't explain anything I am feeling anymore. I want to dance and sing and be happy and jump and do things people when they are happy but I don't know if I really want to.

While I am happy or whatever it is that I am feeling I am also so sacred of everything that could destroy my semi state of being happy... And I don't even know why I am happy when I feel so alone maybe it is because I am cleaning and starting to make this house feel like a home or maybe it because I am starting to discover who I really am...

Little Miss School Girl over here.

AHHH!!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!!

I am so close to starting school!!! I am going to be doing online classes and I am so excited.

Now I just have to decide what I am going to do. I was thinking Marketing again. I understood it and I wanted to make people happy and just enjoy my work... and I could still be a buyer... I could move to where I want to go...

BUT then I am like I want to be teacher, nurse, scrub tech, and so much more...

I just wish I would make up my mind.. I need to decide..

Credit. You can go suck it

I hate credit. Like no joke. I don't have any credit cards, I have one school loan that I am working on playing back but all of the credit cards I had have been paid off for years. The one credit card I have is with the Base and that gets paid on every month. So what is the deal?!

I don't understand and it is making me upset. I want to get a new couch or something to start rebuilding my credit but every time I do a credit check it dings my credit and it just makes me upset. All these just because cards that are "pre approved" or whatever where they say you are approved every time are lies. I just want to rebuild my credit!! so bad!!

Suggestions? Anything? I am open to it.

I'm moving.

I never realized like fully how much stress comes with moving and living alone. I feel like I am overwhelmed and panicked all the time!

First I moved the dogs over here, along with an air mattress to sleep on with them here. Now I have been bringing over some things little by little. But tonight when I went over there there was a funny feeling about the apartment. Maybe it is just because I have been in love with the house basically and haven't been over there in a few days.... but yeah, it is crazy...


Moving seriously is stressing me out. I feel like I need to drink or sleep all the time.

I may be going crazy..

So lately I have been having all these ideas and thoughts and wonderings about what it would be like to have a baby... I'm gonna be 23 this year. I had always thought that by this age I would be done with school, planning a wedding, talking about children...

It's just funny how fast your life can change. So many what ifs unanswered ... But you can't live in a world of what if. You just have to live. You have to let go of the past and move on.