holla!

Clearly, I suck at updating this thing. I have so much to say but it all comes to me at like 10ish and I am nah I'll do it in the morning but the morning gets busy and if anyone else just realized it I believe I am making up excuses... 

FAMILY

OH the wonderful things a family can do and what they mean. About a month ago we lost the rock in our family. My grandma. She passed away from a long hard fight of cancer. She is the most amazing woman you could and ever will meet. I love her more than words could describe. It breaks my heart that I didn't make it.. but I can't really go into that here. Just know that she is missed very much but everyone in my family.  
Family, isn't just blood though. I have recently discovered that I have an "Ohio Family" also. People who even though they act like butts, actually really do create a semi dysfunctional family here. I have honestly met some of the coolest people ever, that I am going to be scared of leaving when and if the time comes.. but PCSing is a long ways off for me at least.. It just makes me sad to think about. 

LIFE

So, whats going on with me? Lets see, I finally have my 5 level which basically means I get to do more stuff on my own and be held at a higher standard when training others. Its been fun... so far. I have a cat now. Her name is Gracie. She is a bug, whines at everything and is seriously the cutest thing ever. Even if she chews up tags on new clothes and attacks the water in the shower. She loves water, just FYI. Bella and Peanut are doing great. They are almost over having a cat in the house but Bella still wants to play with Gracie. So that is always an ongoing battle but they get along so I am fine with it. 

I started eating healthier. Started with a grocery bill of about $149 but I have started. I got a lot of fruit, chicken, fish and juice. Thats something I noticed, I always forget to buy veggies when I go grocery shopping. I sometimes forget to put it on the list or I remember it as I am walking in the store but never go to pick it up. Silly me. Limited Veggies until next paycheck. :) But I am happy to be eating well. Yesterday I made a sandwich with pickles and mustard. I was in heaven. It tasted so amazing. Tonight I am thinking about making something a little more heartier because I get off work at 10 and I don't want to eat when I get home. 

SCHOOL! I finally did it. I am enrolled at Ashford. It is pretty awesome. I am currently in a PSY 202 class and as much as I love writing about myself... (ha ha) It has actually been kind of hard. A lot of reading and having to cite the book is super annoying because if I have to cite it, it doesn't feel like my writing it feels like the quote from the book was just placed there. I have always had that problem with my writing. It never really flows easily. Always a hiccup somewhere. 

Well I am off to get ready for work and I can here the puppies starting to stir. Have an awesome day everyone. 

Awkward.

I felt sexy last night. I had matching panties and a bra, black. It was hot. I dressed like that thinking about you. Even knowing you would never see it.

I am so over my breaking heart for you.

You know what I miss...

I miss cuddling. I miss being imitate. I dream about it. I long for it. I look for you.. In everything. I dream about you walking into the room, wrapping your arms around me and letting me fall asleep in your arms.

Ah, but sadly this is all a dream. I know it's wrong. I know I should behave but you make me want to kiss you and you don't even do anything. Just me wishing for something that I know is never going to happen. " The words we never speak are the ones that hurt us the most."

So close...

I love being around you. I don't know what or why it is but I do. Maybe love is too Strong of a word, maybe I should go with enjoy with so much happiness that I might explode!

Either way I talk about it, I get really happy. You make me smile and I get to laugh. I know you are an awesome friend and that's all this could ever be but sometimes I don't know, sometimes I find myself wishing for more. Even though, I know that's not possible.

I find myself being ... Well being me. Emotions and feelings and all...

I wish I knew what they meant.

This feeling...

I can't explain anything I am feeling anymore. I want to dance and sing and be happy and jump and do things people when they are happy but I don't know if I really want to.

While I am happy or whatever it is that I am feeling I am also so sacred of everything that could destroy my semi state of being happy... And I don't even know why I am happy when I feel so alone maybe it is because I am cleaning and starting to make this house feel like a home or maybe it because I am starting to discover who I really am...

Little Miss School Girl over here.

AHHH!!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!!

I am so close to starting school!!! I am going to be doing online classes and I am so excited.

Now I just have to decide what I am going to do. I was thinking Marketing again. I understood it and I wanted to make people happy and just enjoy my work... and I could still be a buyer... I could move to where I want to go...

BUT then I am like I want to be teacher, nurse, scrub tech, and so much more...

I just wish I would make up my mind.. I need to decide..

Credit. You can go suck it

I hate credit. Like no joke. I don't have any credit cards, I have one school loan that I am working on playing back but all of the credit cards I had have been paid off for years. The one credit card I have is with the Base and that gets paid on every month. So what is the deal?!

I don't understand and it is making me upset. I want to get a new couch or something to start rebuilding my credit but every time I do a credit check it dings my credit and it just makes me upset. All these just because cards that are "pre approved" or whatever where they say you are approved every time are lies. I just want to rebuild my credit!! so bad!!

Suggestions? Anything? I am open to it.