This is my life.... right?

Lately, I have been feeling like I don't really have much control over what I have doing. Monday through Friday I work, sometimes I work Saturday and Sunday but when I am not at work I am at home, studying. I can't help but question if I am truly happy or just going through the emotions.

I have been questioning a lot of my actions recently. I think before I can be in a relationship with anyone I need to work on myself. I am going to sign up for some sessions to be able to talk to someone about my life. Not just my friends, but someone who is trained and went to school to listen to others and give advice/guidance on this subject. Not that listening and getting help from friends isn't awesome I just feel like sometimes they would rather have me follow them then make my own decisions.. but eh. I hope that statement doesn't bother anyone but its just time I face the truth. I need some professional help. I need to start going back to church on the regular. I need to just be by myself for a little bit. I have always had someone in my life but right now... I need me. I need to dance and get down and just have a good time.

I feel like this is going to be a very big step in my "adult life" but I am ready for it.

Should of been writing my essay.

This entry in my basically unread blog is a rant. Well more like a complain post... but I could care less because for right now this is just who I am and I want to post this.

Lets see, I am tired of all the fake people in my life. CLEARLY, I am not the coolest person ever but you don't have to be a dick about it. I have feelings and they get hurt extremely easily. Not that its any of your business because you could care less and we aren't friends but you are just so... I don't even know why I am so upset about this. It just makes me so upset because I graduated high school 5 years and I feel like I am still in it. I want out of it! I want out NOW!

I just want to have real friends. I mean I do have friends that I can call and I am so thankful for that but I want people to be here to be able to hang out and drink or gossip or actual shoulder to cry on.. I don't know. I just want to go do something with people who know how to have a good time.

And I just I don't know... I just need to be happy.

I want to be happy. I will be happy.

Random thought of the day, I miss writing poetry. I remember in high school and even before just always writing. My grandma loved my writing. I need to get back into it. Like yesterday.

Btw, Iron Man 3 is out now.

Night all.

What a weekend.

I pretty much just go through the emotions during the week because I have so much to do with school and the dogs and "running" this house... But like I don't know, I realize I don't really reward myself for all the hard work I do, alone.

Last night, I got to hang out with my bestest and her husband. It was not awkward at all, it was really fun. We drank, watched 21 Jump Street, played rockband (first time, it was great!), just dance for the wii. I seriously, I couldn't stop laughing last night. It felt good. Like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulder and right now, I feel great. I just finished making this awesome shirt that I ll post at the end of this post but its awesome. I am gonna start working on this week's homework. I am really enjoying my Sunday.

I don't know if it is because I am getting a 5 day weekend this month or I have finally decided to not take life so serious that I am in such a great mood but I am loving it. I have so many plans and ideas for the future... It's just awesome. I can't wait to blog about my 5 day weekend because of a few things. 1) my navy friend is coming to visit me, 2) I get to attend my bestest and her husband's cookout and 3) I am going to Kings Island, for the first time ever.

I wish everyone who actually reads this the best of luck for the week, remember its always better tomorrow :)

Just a little hello.

I have been extremely busy these past few weeks to really update anyone on anything.

I started my second class at Ashford on Tuesday and its English. Anyone who knows me, knows i suck at English. Right now though I seem to be doing better than my first class and I am pretty excited about it.

Family life has been going pretty well. My mom and sister finally got iPhones so we can FaceTime and I have been able to "spend more time" with them. It's been great. My sisters birthday was this week. I can't wait for her to get her gift. Don't want to spoil it but I am pretty excited about it.

Work is lame. Just FYI. I work way too much.


Lady on the street but a freak in the bed :)

I am going crazy since its 0115 in the morning! :)

To my future children.

Dear my Future children,

I promise to you that when you are here with me, that you may not always be happy with me but you will be loved. You will not bully other children, you will behave in public and you will respect others. I don't want to raise bad children. I want you to grow up to be responsible adults but also have an amazing childhood. I want you to be happy, loved and always be a kind person.

I don't want to raise bad children. I don't want to raise bullies. I want my children to be the ones who stand up for others.

I haven't met you and I don't know when I will but know that I will love you with everything i am. I love you and I haven't even met you yet.

Love always and forever,

Your future Mom.

Limits?

I feel like everyone has limits. That we all reach either sooner or later and once we get there all hell can break lose.

Just like my life lately has been one thing after another pushing my limits. First it was my work schedule. It was constantly changing. Next it was people who wanted to call me their friend but would only call/text if they needed something or especially a dd because they know I won't drink when I am out ... And if I do, it isn't a lot and I am still able to drive home. Shoot though, I wish I could just let go. I want to have a good time. I am so over being responsible. I want to be the fun Amanda...

I have so much to do. I have so much to learn. I have so much sleeping to do....

Thunder and Rain

It's days/nights like this where all I want to do is be wrapped up in you. It's thundering so much outside and it's shaking my house... Super surprised my dogs aren't barking like crazy right now.

That's beside the point, I am just looking for reasons to avoid what's really on my mind. I am being lied to a lot, I don't like it. I am sure no one does but honestly everyone has their breaking point and I am at mine.

If you are my friend you can tell me anything. Ill keep my mouth shut if you ask me too. I won't share your secrets and I will keep them yours. BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING. I had to find this out over Facebook and it involved me. I feel like that should of been the first thing you ever told me. I wish I could go I to detail about this because I am sure you all think I am talking about Nate but I am not. It is someone else, someone I thought I could trust.

Clearly I can't. It makes me sad but it's the way things are.

Rain and thunder, you are so peaceful to listen to as I fall asleep. At least you are always there for me.