It's just a misunderstanding.... On my part.

So I am not a very strong person. I am quite insecure and hardly ever stand up for myself. I feel like I am alone in this world with a few select people who are patience enough to get to know me. Once they do, I am sure they find out quickly that I can be a sass, I am extremely stubborn and I don't like to be wrong. 

Which for me being wrong is one thing but to have people rub it in your face is just another story. An example; I was "invited" to go out this weekend for a little bit with a group of people I work with. No set time or date but I figured it would be early since that's what time they were getting together at the time I was invited. I was like cool. I have never been invited to hang out with them so I was really excited. So I apparently was told I talked about it a lot when I found out and the day after. Which if you know me if I get excited or happy about something it's a rare thing because I am such a Debbie downer all the time (even with trying not to be). But so yeah, I was excited. 

Today I made a status on Facebook about how excited I was for this weekend but also how busy I was making myself because I wanted to get so much stuff done. Everything was fine and I knew about a good 80% of my friends on Facebook didn't give a hoot but I wanted to post it. A little while after it had been up I got a comment about the invite that I received. Me being the prideful person I am didn't want to admit over Facebook that it was a mistake invite. The person was drunk out of their mind and didn't mean to invite me. Who ever wants to admit that they aren't cool enough to hang out with the cool kids? That's how it has been my whole life. I know I am an outsider and I have grown to accept it but it still hurts because I am such a weak person. I know most people are probably like get over it but it was kind of a big deal to me. So back to what I was saying, I was confirmed one way that it was a mistake and then once again at work about it being a mistake because I just wanted to make sure. So I was basically burned twice in one day about the same thing. 

I just don't understand why things needed to be said over Facebook or whatever and why people can't just text me or FaceTime or private message me about it. If what I was saying was bothering you you could of said something about it that nights and I would of shut up. I am good at that. 

Just feels like nothing I do is ever right. 

-Beautiful Disaster 

Random thoughts of a girl in a drink state.

I feel like my heart is breaking. I am reaching out for you but gettin nothing in return. I want to cry but I can't. I am craving you but I can't tell you. I have this idea in my head and I can't reach it. 

I am just trying to figure this out. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Just fix me. I am so emotionally damaged and I cry when I am alone. I dream about you... I crave you. 

I wish you were here. 

This is my life.... right?

Lately, I have been feeling like I don't really have much control over what I have doing. Monday through Friday I work, sometimes I work Saturday and Sunday but when I am not at work I am at home, studying. I can't help but question if I am truly happy or just going through the emotions.

I have been questioning a lot of my actions recently. I think before I can be in a relationship with anyone I need to work on myself. I am going to sign up for some sessions to be able to talk to someone about my life. Not just my friends, but someone who is trained and went to school to listen to others and give advice/guidance on this subject. Not that listening and getting help from friends isn't awesome I just feel like sometimes they would rather have me follow them then make my own decisions.. but eh. I hope that statement doesn't bother anyone but its just time I face the truth. I need some professional help. I need to start going back to church on the regular. I need to just be by myself for a little bit. I have always had someone in my life but right now... I need me. I need to dance and get down and just have a good time.

I feel like this is going to be a very big step in my "adult life" but I am ready for it.

Should of been writing my essay.

This entry in my basically unread blog is a rant. Well more like a complain post... but I could care less because for right now this is just who I am and I want to post this.

Lets see, I am tired of all the fake people in my life. CLEARLY, I am not the coolest person ever but you don't have to be a dick about it. I have feelings and they get hurt extremely easily. Not that its any of your business because you could care less and we aren't friends but you are just so... I don't even know why I am so upset about this. It just makes me so upset because I graduated high school 5 years and I feel like I am still in it. I want out of it! I want out NOW!

I just want to have real friends. I mean I do have friends that I can call and I am so thankful for that but I want people to be here to be able to hang out and drink or gossip or actual shoulder to cry on.. I don't know. I just want to go do something with people who know how to have a good time.

And I just I don't know... I just need to be happy.

I want to be happy. I will be happy.

Random thought of the day, I miss writing poetry. I remember in high school and even before just always writing. My grandma loved my writing. I need to get back into it. Like yesterday.

Btw, Iron Man 3 is out now.

Night all.

What a weekend.

I pretty much just go through the emotions during the week because I have so much to do with school and the dogs and "running" this house... But like I don't know, I realize I don't really reward myself for all the hard work I do, alone.

Last night, I got to hang out with my bestest and her husband. It was not awkward at all, it was really fun. We drank, watched 21 Jump Street, played rockband (first time, it was great!), just dance for the wii. I seriously, I couldn't stop laughing last night. It felt good. Like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulder and right now, I feel great. I just finished making this awesome shirt that I ll post at the end of this post but its awesome. I am gonna start working on this week's homework. I am really enjoying my Sunday.

I don't know if it is because I am getting a 5 day weekend this month or I have finally decided to not take life so serious that I am in such a great mood but I am loving it. I have so many plans and ideas for the future... It's just awesome. I can't wait to blog about my 5 day weekend because of a few things. 1) my navy friend is coming to visit me, 2) I get to attend my bestest and her husband's cookout and 3) I am going to Kings Island, for the first time ever.

I wish everyone who actually reads this the best of luck for the week, remember its always better tomorrow :)

Just a little hello.

I have been extremely busy these past few weeks to really update anyone on anything.

I started my second class at Ashford on Tuesday and its English. Anyone who knows me, knows i suck at English. Right now though I seem to be doing better than my first class and I am pretty excited about it.

Family life has been going pretty well. My mom and sister finally got iPhones so we can FaceTime and I have been able to "spend more time" with them. It's been great. My sisters birthday was this week. I can't wait for her to get her gift. Don't want to spoil it but I am pretty excited about it.

Work is lame. Just FYI. I work way too much.


Lady on the street but a freak in the bed :)

I am going crazy since its 0115 in the morning! :)

To my future children.

Dear my Future children,

I promise to you that when you are here with me, that you may not always be happy with me but you will be loved. You will not bully other children, you will behave in public and you will respect others. I don't want to raise bad children. I want you to grow up to be responsible adults but also have an amazing childhood. I want you to be happy, loved and always be a kind person.

I don't want to raise bad children. I don't want to raise bullies. I want my children to be the ones who stand up for others.

I haven't met you and I don't know when I will but know that I will love you with everything i am. I love you and I haven't even met you yet.

Love always and forever,

Your future Mom.