New Year, New Me! 2013 Watch Out!

I guess its that time of the year when people start talking about what they are gonna do different for the new year! I am a guilty of it.

1. Tone up my body!
     - I am gonna start treating my body better. Not eating out as much, more home cooked meals, not as much soda but more juice. Working out, going to the gym more than 4 times a week. I am even going to start working out more at home. I have a spare room that is gonna be my workout/craft/reading room.

2. Save money.
   - Its pretty simple. If I don't need it I am not buying it.

3. Read more.
   - I have several books ready to go but I plan to read more and start school again.



eek. I hope everyone has an amazing New Year. :)

Day 1 of no FACEBOOK!

Today was great. I was a little lonely with it just being me and the puppies but it was great. I got up around noon, took the puppies outside for their walks/potty, went to Wal - Mart (I hate shopping there but they had some really cute puppy toys for Christmas), stopped got myself some lunch and came home to spend the rest of the day baking brownies and watching Desperate Housewives! 

Eventful right?

I was doing a lot of thinking today. Some good and some bad, a lot of it about my relationship status. I feel like at this point in my marriage I shouldn't give up and walk away. On the other hand, we have been growing apart for a while and it feels like thats already been done. I don't want to go into much detail because this should and will be a private matter (although I do ask people some times for their opinions I try not to give away too much of what I am thinking/feeling). But lately, I have been second guessed every action I have ever made. Did we get married too young? Should we have waited? Was it really worth losing probably one of the greatest friends ever? The answers always change, yes, no, maybe, yes, no, maybe... yes. This is the problem. All of these questions are basically pretty much "What ifs." I don't want to live in a world of "what if", I want to know! 

Now I understand I can't change the past, I can however learn. I can learn to listen. I can learn to ask for help when I don't know something. I can learn how to be a better friend. I can learn how to be a better person all around. Part of my 2013 resolutions is to better myself (this will be another blog sometime this weekend about my RESOLUTIONS!). I still have a lot of learning and growing to do. 

If you know my mom, go wish her a Happy Birthday :) 

Merry Christmas Eve everyone. 

Mad.

I am so angry. I am so angry. I am so angry. I am so angry I am seeing red. Can't explain to you why because honestly I don't know. I woke up this morning fine, said my goodbyes to Sarah and watched The Walking Dead.

Once I finally got out of bed I took care of the puppies, dropped stuff off to the Goodwill here in town, picked up Chipotle, came home started working on my friend's Christmas present, finished up my family's gifts... Now I am just angry. Like really angry. Part of me thinks this is because I am alone on Christmas and New Years. Its just me and the dogs. You know I love them but this is not how it is suppose to be. I shouldn't be alone. I should be home with my family. I should be in Reno.

I know many of you are reading this and thinking whatever it is you are thinking and to be honest I don't care anymore. I have found out who my true friends are, the ones who are always there and don't just turn to me when they only "need" something from me. So I don't need to sugar coat my life anymore. I will post what I want. I will be open with my words. I am changing my actions and my words for the better. I am making myself better and walking away from the drama. If you still want to be friends with me in 2013 than I am open to it. I want you to be my friend, but if you are only in my life because you need a good story then start deleting yourself off my page and out of my life because I am done with it, all of it.

I am over the drama. I am over the rumors.

I would rather be alone and happy then surrounded by the fake people and rumors making me feel awful about myself.

I am better than this. I am better.

A Mess.

Because seriously that is what my life is. A GIANT FREAKING MESS! It is the holiday season and it is just Bella, Peanut and me for this weekend. It has got me feeling a little down. It is giving me way too much time to think about a lot of things.

1. My Friends, or I should I say lack of TRUE friends. I have tons of people I can talk to about random things that mean a little or nothing, but who can I turn to when I need someone to say STOP! you need a hug and a good ear to listen to what is going on. Now I am not saying my life is super rough or whatever, and I know that others have it worse than me but I still need to be able to vent or cry or show emotions.

Don't get me wrong, I have select people I have this relationship with but they are so far away and can't be here to physically hug me or actually talk to me about things and it makes me feel bad.

2. MY JOB! oh my goodness, I love my job. I just hate the drama that comes with it. I am looking into getting my certification for it. Only going to cost me roughly $250 for it but it is good for four years. Gives me time to do what I want and save money. But thats for the outside..

Besides me always over thinking things and going crazy with all of my what ifs, I am trying to enjoy life and get ready to go back to school. I need to go to Sinclair and take the placement tests but because I delayed it so long I may not be able to start school in January and that kind of upsets me.. I also need to decide what I want to do... I want to be a teacher, a nurse, a scrub tech, or a marketing major... but medical pays so well.. but body parts are a pain to remember!

btw, sleeping pills suck and attack my body! I am so tired but I still took one tonight because I need to sleep and stay asleep tonight. bleh.

Working late!

I seriously can't wait to get off work tonight. I am beyond tired. My eyes hurt but I don't want to sleep tonight because its Monday tomorrow and people show up at all kinds of times! Lol


Anyway, I was in a bad mood but it suddenly turned awesome when I got to talk to someone :)

I want to color! And I want to sleep. I am so tired :(

Go watch Friends with Benefits! It's an amazing movie :)

Smile it's the second best thing you can do with your lips<3

What is wrong with me?!

Seriously?! I went to bed at like 11 last night and I have been waking up since 0630! This is silly. Why won't my body just let me sleep?! Oh because it hates me! sheesh. This is getting old. My one day to sleep in and I am wide awake. :(

In other news, I have discovered that  I still suck at words. The other night when I posted my blog "For me and maybe the puppies" (or whatever I titled it)... I wanted to express that while I was waiting to take my FINAL CDC test I discovered I am reaching towards being a BTZ SrA for myself, I have no one to share my accomplishments with, no one to come home to and say look what I did and get a pat on the back. Nope it is just me and my puppies. To be honest they would love me no matter what do. Sometimes maybe even just a little too much but I love them anyway. It doesn't help the fact that I am alone.. PLEASE don't get me wrong I am not complaining about it. Living by myself has its perks but then again there are those times like the past few nights when I miss being held or talked to. The friends I normally text have all decided to be super quiet these past few days so it gets a little scary when I have no one to talk too and then I don't know.. I think silly things and they are in my head and go off on tagants and it just becomes very depressing.

I don't want my life to be depressing. I want to be outgoing. I want to hang out with the people I know and not just feel used. I want to have real friends who I can go and do things with even if it is just watching movies at one of the houses. Maybe I am wanting too much. I feel like I am a great friend to have around but sometimes I make it so awkward. It makes me think thats what people don't like about me... Which brings me back to a depressing thought! ugh.

Well yesterday I failed my PT test. It made me really mad. Not gonna lie. I have been training indoors, was expecting to run indoors and we didn't. When I was finished with the test I couldn't breathe, wanted to throw up but I didn't have anything to throw up. (I don't eat in the morning before a PT test) It was a mess. Came home, showered, and went to lunch with my friend Charles. After lunch I called to make an appointment with my doctor and was told I couldn't because I had to go to the ER first for Chest Pain and make a follow up appointment with them later.. (Come to find out later, you don't have to do that. They can't refuse to make you an appointment and they can't force you to go to the ER!) While I was at the ER, I was given a breathing treatment, mortion, a chest x-ray and a Cardiogram. That was fun. All to discover that I shouldn't of been running outside because it gave me a brochii spasm! Oh yay me! So this morning I have a little to none chest pain, still coughing like crazy, and it hurts a little when I breathe. I was told to take it easy. ugh. Stupid things and things. Just makes me so upset that I failed my PT test, it hurts when I do anything up in upper chest, I can't run for the next two days and I have to start getting ready for a PT test again in three months.

Good thing I enjoy working out.

Just for me.. and maybe my puppies :)

WHAT A DAY! I say this with a yawn. I am so tired. I had such an exhausting day. I tested out of my CDCs, I get my 5 level on Jan 17 and I got a haircut.

I took today off from the gym because I have my PT test tomorrow morning and I wanted to rest up my legs. I am so ready for this. I even have a pacer to go with me so I am hoping that it will be good and I will pass. It is the only part of the test I have to take. I am kind of excited. Even though if I pass I still have to take it in 6 months because I will be on a profile this time.

I seriously had some depressing thoughts today. I am not sure what they meant but I am worried about it.. :/

Tonight its about me.

Seriously, after every workout I feel extremely better about myself. I stand a little taller, smile a little more and look in the mirror and think "Damn!" ... Its to the point where I have officially decided that the shower after an awesome workout is WAY better than sex... (if you know me, you know whats going there... ) Todays work out was great! I did 15 minutes on the bike and I RAN for 20 minutes! I didn't stop. I got a little of a side ache but I kept breathing and it went away. I am so proud of myself. Can't wait to kick that PT test's butt!

Anywho! I am just sitting here all clean now trying to decide what to do for dinner because I don't want to ruin the work I just put in.. but then I remember I get to do it again tomorrow. :) And this is probably the shortest entry ever because I am the most uninteresting person ever... but I don't care. Tonight I feel great about myself. So great I think I am going to chipotle for dinner... or Thai... lol :)

Why can't it just be free?!

Seriously, I really do think some things are WAY over charged for. Just because it is a certain color, it has be another $100 for that and for this... Moving and trying to get things for the new house is making me grumpy and extremely unhappy.

I wanted to get another couch for the living room because it was going to be bigger than here and I wanted to have more space for people to sit. Sadly, this dream is quickly fading. And with the holidays here I am using money to send gifts back home.. and like I don't know. I am just trying to get my life in order with the move.

I have like 104598679327849834 things going on in my head and so many things that need to get done in order to move that I feel like I am not getting anything done. Like this week, I have physical therapy, my PT test and my test for my 5 level. I am stressing myself! I need to slow down but I can't. I need to breathe but thats kind of difficult when it feels like my entire world is resting on my shoulders.

Not to make anything better, but Bella got really sick this morning TWICE! The second time required her to get a bath because she like laid down in it. I got up because I could smell it and she was standing, in the middle of her kennel with the saddest look on her face. After her bath she just laid down and waited for me to clean her kennel and she seems to be fine now since she ate Peanuts food from this morning.. bleh.

Its Sunday. I should probably go finish my cleaning. bleh. bleh. bleh.

A day to just be upset.

Where the heck has this year gone?! January 15, 2013 marks one year since I moved to Ohio, changed my entire life because I had this dream of doing something greater for my life and now I don't know what I want. Its like every time I find something I want or I think could work it gets thrown back in my face. Like ha ha fool, jokes on you! It really makes me mad. I get upset and then the little green monster shows up, because I am watching everyone else achieve while I am failing. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

HATE is such a strong word but it is needed for today's thoughts. I hate the fact that I was lied too. When I knew what was gonna happen but I let myself get my hopes up anyway. I hate the fact that I am trying to show people I am trying to be a better person but they just blow me off or joke around like it doesn't hurt my feelings. I seriously am not as strong as I let on. I haven't cried in a while and yet today, today I wanted to. I wanted to pull over on the side of the road and just cry. I needed it, let me tell you... I really need it. I still haven't cried. I won't let myself cry. Not even tomorrow, not while I am baking my pepperoni pizza in the oven, sitting at home watching christmas movies by myself, with my two puppies... Nope it won't happen. I am going to just sit there and act like it is every other day. Heck maybe I might even start packing up the kitchen. Need to get it done. Only a month or so until move in day. I am freaking stoked.

Went to the gym today. It was a short work out. When I say short I mean short. I went in there was on the elepitcal for 10 minutes, rowed for 5, did 150 sit ups, and stretched. I wanted to go home and I still needed to get to Target before they closed so I could get the puppies their treats before tomorrow when everything closes for Thanksgiving. My day was pretty uneventful, besides me having a pity party.. but whatever. It is done. I am getting ready for bed, plan to sleep as long as I can this weekend, working out at home and just enjoying being off.

I am also putting my phone on do not disturb so I can only hear phone calls, I am ignoring text messages and any other ways of communication tomorrow because I feel like it. I am suppose to skype with my family back home but thats about it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Be thankful for what you have and keep our troops in your prayers tomorrow night.  

Get Sexy?

Oh my goodness. It has been like 4 days since I last posted. I took the weekend off from the gym because one I didn't want to push myself too hard the first week and second because I was pretty busy this last weekend. Saturday I spent studying and running around looking for things to do. I went to Hooters for the first time on Saturday night. It was interesting, lots of greasy food and it made me regret not going to the gym or doing something during the day. Sunday I went to Columbus for the morning and in the afternoon I took a new friend to go furniture shopping. It was an interesting day to say the least. I enjoyed getting to spend time with friends this weekend and it made me feel at peace with myself for a while.

I am working out a good 45 minutes at the gym every day. I tend to stay to the same routine, nothing to depending until I get off of my profile for my wrist and I am working my legs hard so that when I run it is gonna be pretty easy (or so I hope). I  am mainly working on getting my heart rate up for about 30 minutes and keeping it there but some times I slack, let it drop a little but it gets right back up there pretty fast. I am in love with breaking a sweat.

I took these tonight.. Kind of like my beginning point pictures aka week 1. Probably gonna get into some trouble for posting these but I don't care because this is my blog and I want to track my progress. Currently this week I have been doing 20-25 minutes on the elepictal, 30 reps of different size weights on this leg machine, and rowing for about 10-15 minutes. Of course I stretch and do a bit of a cool down. 

I am actually proud of myself for sticking to this. I have my bag packed and ready for tomorrow. Gonna hit up the gym in the basement and get a good workout in, go to Target to buy a medicine ball for Thursday since almost every gym is closed and some puppy treats. Sounds like the life right? :D

Operation: Get Sexy Day 2!!

MY LEGS ARE JELLO!!! Seriously, I am like in enjoyable pain. I spent an hour and a half at the gym. I feel like I could of done more again today but like I wanted to go out tonight. Now, after I took my shower all I want to do is curl up in bed and cuddle with someone.

It was great day. I came home to only one accident by yet again Peanut and some hungry puppies. I love them to death but I wish I had help still some days. Especially when I feel sick, like tonight. I developed a small headache after my shower and it is just ugh.. 3 flights of stairs.. 2 big puppies and 1 me... ouch.

Oh and incase you were wondering, dinner tonight after my workout was a $5 BLT Footlong from Subway. It was amazing and made my tummy happy. I believe tomorrow is gonna be just a simple morning work out and then relax for the rest of the day. Only one more day until my complete day off from working out!

And by the way, if you aren't on pinterest yet you should be. You find awesome things like this!

Operation: Get Sexy.

It was started today. I spent an hour in the gym. 20 minutes on the treadmill thing, worked out my legs and got a little arm action. I am pretty impressed with it. I am gonna have to say that my min time in the gym is going to be an hour and max is gonna be three. When I was there I just wanted to keep going. It felt like the best feeling in the world.

I am doing this for myself. No one else. I can't wait to see what this is gonna be in a couple weeks. My work out plan is going to be Monday thru Saturday giving myself Sunday for my day off. I have a PT test in two weeks and I need to be ready for it. Not just for the PT test but because I want to be healthy and fit and keep a flat stomach when I sit down.

I do not own that picture. I got it from Pinterest. :)

Just an apology.

I have hurt people in the past, never intentionally but I have. It caused me to lose one of my closest friends, that I was considered to be my bestie even after stupid things happened and choices I made. I know that I should of talked to you more, let you give me advice when I needed it the most and I failed at it. 

I want you to know that I care about you deeply, I want only the best for you. I truly wish you happiness no matter where life takes you. I want us to be friends again and not just through FaceBook. I want to have a conversation with you. I don't want you to be mad at me, I want to be able to move this past and be friends again. Yes I realize we can't go back and be besties but I want you in my life. 

I truly do miss talking to you. Especially when I have so much to share with you. 

Hot dogs with mustard, chili and ... jelly?

The most conversations I have with my co workers. Today was a great day. I got to basically precept someone today and scrub in a "Dr Fester" case by myself. Festering the cords has always been a pain for me but not today! I totally rocked it. I guess once you start scrubbing more you just get the hang of it that much faster. Greatest feeling ever!

I am going to Central Processing next week to cover someone's shift while he goes on leave and thankfully I won't have to adjust my sleep schedule for it. Which if you have ever bounced around on work schedules you understand why I am thankful for it! I feel extremely accomplished at work when things like this happen to me. I love that in January I will have my 5 level and its gonna be grand!

Bella and Peanut adjusted to today's schedule very well. I came home to only one accident by Peanut and a Bella girl who was just about getting loved on when mom got home. :D

JEEP! Seriously, I love my jeep... but to get it fixed or worked on is gonna be the most expensive thing even. Worse than my Jetta and I never thought that would be possible. But I am currently at this moment looking at what else I can cut out of my budget to save more to raise the $2300 to fix what is wrong with the jeep.. ugh.



Wheres my meatloaf? lol ...

Gossip. Gossip. Gossip.

I freaking love Gossip Girl. I am not sure why but it is like my guilty pleasure. I like watching it on Mondays after work.. But sadly I forgot it was on last night and I had to watch it tonight via the internet but whatever. It was still good.

Today has been rather relaxing. I got up took care of the puppies, dropped the Jeep off at the dealership, took my first pre test to my last CDC test and even got a catnap in today! With my jeep I feel like it is my baby, so when they told me they were keeping her overnight I kind of freaked a little bit because even though I complain about her a lot, she's still my baby and this is the first time she has had to be away from me. So cheesy but whatever. I get to drive a sweet 200 Chrysler thing, and it makes me miss driving a small car... until I remember that I now own a jeep and can take the puppies to more places. My CDC pre test was not that great. I scored a 69%. Not my best score on anything.. I am studying a lot more before next week when the real test is because I need to do better. My last test I took I scored a 86%.. bleh, wish me luck!

I think my puppies are over living in the apartment. I often wonder if they miss our home in Minot. They were always outside (even though they had to be on chains...) and had the whole living room to play in, and just move space in general. I wonder if they are gonna be happier at the new place when I leave them run outside in our new place. This will be the first place that they have a fenced in yard, with open running space and it makes me happy when I think about it. Its like my heart is smiling for their happiness.

My new place is SURROUNDED by my co workers! I am not exactly sure how to feel about this but I am going to be ok for now. At least I am sure I won't be worried about missing work or having problems with the snow and grass and other silly things like that. I am really excited to move. I need to still find a washer and dryer. I have to decided to wait on buying a nicer television until my birthday because I am going to save up for it.

Moving day in ... 58 ish days!!

Annoyed.

No better way to say it. I am mad at the fact that I bend over backwards to help people out, go out of my way to do stuff with them and the one time I actually want to see people they are unable to help or do anything..

I guess I should know better by now with them but I never learn. I always try to think that next time will be different but it never is. It looks like I may be having to cut a few more other people out of my life for good. I am done with being hurt, especially by my "friends."

And as I am sitting here writing this I have two furry faces staring me because they are hating the fact that they have to be in their kennels for 13 hours tomorrow. Hopefully Tuesday will help get their schedules back in order. I am not proud of the fact that I have to keep them in the kennels and get limited time out of them :( I need to find a puppy sitter..

A day in the life of an OR Tech..

ON THE WEEKEND! Seriously, I think working weekend days is more work than scrubbing Monday thru Friday. I am responsible for making sure all the instruments and equipment is ready to go for "Monday" when we start work again... BUT oh my, spending 10 to 12 hours in Central Supply and Storage is a bit much. I swear, every Saturday I come in thats what my day is. Taking care of CS. running the last of instruments sets and cleaning. I thought we were all suppose to have the same work ethic Monday thru Friday, not just get to Friday and not give a crap, especially when it comes to patient safety! I wish we had more people to help evenings but sadly we are slightly undermanned and can't do much about it...

On a positive note besides the fact that I might actually get to nap tomorrow at work, my puppies didn't make that big of a mess today while I was gone! 13 hours in their kennels and very little mess made for one happy mama. But they were not happy about the fact that I still made them go to bed at 9 like always. :( ...

It was a Chick fil a kind of night. I need to get better at cooking at home. I need recipes for one person... I don't want to eat ramen. I am kind of over egg sandwiches and peanut butter and jelly.. And I have a PT test in two weeks.. NEED TO GET IN SHAPE!

Not looking forward to this week, I feel like it is going to go by too fast..

What do you with a day off..

Honestly, I feel like sometimes my days off are wasted by me. I usually end up doing nothing important and the stuff I have to get done I drag and forget about doing it.

That wasn't the case today. Nah, I slept until 0830 (which is a big deal if you know me), got up took care of my puppies and watched Christmas movies for the better half of the morning. Basically until I realized I didn't own Elf and that needed to be fixed! :) So I got myself ready, went to Target and purchased Elf and a surprise buy of the $5.00 THE FRAY CD.. I was pretty excited and it is what I am currently listening to. A non important part of my day was when I took my friend to work and got to meet his family, it is always nice to meet up with people even if it is just for a few minutes.

So after I dropped him off I came home, let the puppies out of their kennels, watched Elf and the NEWS! Ok, so no joke I normally don't watch the news because it constantly reminds me of how much evil there is in the world and I am just trying to be positive.. but yeah, like ugh.. I turned it off. In the first 5 minutes they had reported like 5 murders, 2 suspects, and like 3 deaths.. I was over it. Although while I was watching the news, I made the first puppy bed! I am really excited about it. Bella loves it and keeps laying on it. Peanut wants nothing to do with it but I am hoping that will change because that is going to be there spot in the new place.

 The Puppy Bed - Have got to love the cut and tie method!

Bella laying on her bed for the first time! with out me making her. :D

But not only did I make one of their beds today I also made my positive cup. I learned that it works best with only black sharpie and not the colored ones. The color faded which kind of made me sad, but I got over it because the "good morning beautiful" is still there.

                                         

Nothing really happened today besides me doing a lot of thinking. Especially about life and what my future plans are.. and my work and my friends.. Sheesh. It was deep though. Can't believe I have to work tomorrow. Going to be a long weekend but I can do this. 

Time to watch The Princess Diaries. Have an awesome Veterans Day weekend. 

Hello again..

I haven't been on this in a while and honestly I don't know who is following anymore. But oh my goodness has a lot of things gone down.

Nate and I are separating. Can't really say much more than that on here because frankly this situation doesn't need to be over Facebook. I don't need people's advice about what to do or how to handle the situation, unless I ask.

I am stationed in Dayton. I work as a Surgical Tech in the Operation Room and I get to help with surgery.. thats cool, right? Of course it is until you get stuck with a needle and have to get blood drawn.  But then a plus side is seeing a new life being born.. eh. It is a good job...

Bella and Peanut are getting big. Adjusting to the new schedule very well besides the fact that I feel like they don't get enough water but I always give them a little extra when I get home from work.

I seriously hate how much of a scatter brain I am when I blog. like I have this idea I want to write about but I don't want to go the wrong way with it. My life is so upside down right now. I have no idea what I want, NONE. I have no idea of what I want out of life... But what I do know is I want to be happy. No matter where I end up.

Honestly think that is it for now.. I am going to find my voice again.

Welcome back, special.

Hmm. Well it has only been about a year since the last time I actually blogged and shared with the world.. :/ and a whole bunch has changed. My old blog was "An Airman's Princess." I deleted it because I am no longer just the Airman's Princess, I am the Airman and that changed a lot of things.

I separated from my family and my loved one. I am not enjoying my new life one bit besides what might be coming in the future. And I say might because everything is so uncertain. It is all so new for me still and I don't know how to react to it. Sometimes I think I do more harm than good and it bothers me.

I honestly think silence does more harm than good for me also, causes me to really think about everything going on in my life and really have a heart to heart with myself. Especially when it comes to love, family and the future. I see things I don't like about myself and want to change. I see people in my life that I need and want here with me and it just hurts.

To be honest I have no idea where I am going with this blog. Thought I would of added a few pictures before I posted but my MacBook is special and I am still learning about it. BLEH.. and I have stories from the New Year's Eve Party I went to at my friend's house, my Leave I took in Decemeber, my semi new life in Ohio.. But I have no idea where to begin..