New Year, New Me! 2013 Watch Out!

I guess its that time of the year when people start talking about what they are gonna do different for the new year! I am a guilty of it.

1. Tone up my body!
     - I am gonna start treating my body better. Not eating out as much, more home cooked meals, not as much soda but more juice. Working out, going to the gym more than 4 times a week. I am even going to start working out more at home. I have a spare room that is gonna be my workout/craft/reading room.

2. Save money.
   - Its pretty simple. If I don't need it I am not buying it.

3. Read more.
   - I have several books ready to go but I plan to read more and start school again.



eek. I hope everyone has an amazing New Year. :)

Day 1 of no FACEBOOK!

Today was great. I was a little lonely with it just being me and the puppies but it was great. I got up around noon, took the puppies outside for their walks/potty, went to Wal - Mart (I hate shopping there but they had some really cute puppy toys for Christmas), stopped got myself some lunch and came home to spend the rest of the day baking brownies and watching Desperate Housewives! 

Eventful right?

I was doing a lot of thinking today. Some good and some bad, a lot of it about my relationship status. I feel like at this point in my marriage I shouldn't give up and walk away. On the other hand, we have been growing apart for a while and it feels like thats already been done. I don't want to go into much detail because this should and will be a private matter (although I do ask people some times for their opinions I try not to give away too much of what I am thinking/feeling). But lately, I have been second guessed every action I have ever made. Did we get married too young? Should we have waited? Was it really worth losing probably one of the greatest friends ever? The answers always change, yes, no, maybe, yes, no, maybe... yes. This is the problem. All of these questions are basically pretty much "What ifs." I don't want to live in a world of "what if", I want to know! 

Now I understand I can't change the past, I can however learn. I can learn to listen. I can learn to ask for help when I don't know something. I can learn how to be a better friend. I can learn how to be a better person all around. Part of my 2013 resolutions is to better myself (this will be another blog sometime this weekend about my RESOLUTIONS!). I still have a lot of learning and growing to do. 

If you know my mom, go wish her a Happy Birthday :) 

Merry Christmas Eve everyone. 

Mad.

I am so angry. I am so angry. I am so angry. I am so angry I am seeing red. Can't explain to you why because honestly I don't know. I woke up this morning fine, said my goodbyes to Sarah and watched The Walking Dead.

Once I finally got out of bed I took care of the puppies, dropped stuff off to the Goodwill here in town, picked up Chipotle, came home started working on my friend's Christmas present, finished up my family's gifts... Now I am just angry. Like really angry. Part of me thinks this is because I am alone on Christmas and New Years. Its just me and the dogs. You know I love them but this is not how it is suppose to be. I shouldn't be alone. I should be home with my family. I should be in Reno.

I know many of you are reading this and thinking whatever it is you are thinking and to be honest I don't care anymore. I have found out who my true friends are, the ones who are always there and don't just turn to me when they only "need" something from me. So I don't need to sugar coat my life anymore. I will post what I want. I will be open with my words. I am changing my actions and my words for the better. I am making myself better and walking away from the drama. If you still want to be friends with me in 2013 than I am open to it. I want you to be my friend, but if you are only in my life because you need a good story then start deleting yourself off my page and out of my life because I am done with it, all of it.

I am over the drama. I am over the rumors.

I would rather be alone and happy then surrounded by the fake people and rumors making me feel awful about myself.

I am better than this. I am better.

A Mess.

Because seriously that is what my life is. A GIANT FREAKING MESS! It is the holiday season and it is just Bella, Peanut and me for this weekend. It has got me feeling a little down. It is giving me way too much time to think about a lot of things.

1. My Friends, or I should I say lack of TRUE friends. I have tons of people I can talk to about random things that mean a little or nothing, but who can I turn to when I need someone to say STOP! you need a hug and a good ear to listen to what is going on. Now I am not saying my life is super rough or whatever, and I know that others have it worse than me but I still need to be able to vent or cry or show emotions.

Don't get me wrong, I have select people I have this relationship with but they are so far away and can't be here to physically hug me or actually talk to me about things and it makes me feel bad.

2. MY JOB! oh my goodness, I love my job. I just hate the drama that comes with it. I am looking into getting my certification for it. Only going to cost me roughly $250 for it but it is good for four years. Gives me time to do what I want and save money. But thats for the outside..

Besides me always over thinking things and going crazy with all of my what ifs, I am trying to enjoy life and get ready to go back to school. I need to go to Sinclair and take the placement tests but because I delayed it so long I may not be able to start school in January and that kind of upsets me.. I also need to decide what I want to do... I want to be a teacher, a nurse, a scrub tech, or a marketing major... but medical pays so well.. but body parts are a pain to remember!

btw, sleeping pills suck and attack my body! I am so tired but I still took one tonight because I need to sleep and stay asleep tonight. bleh.

Working late!

I seriously can't wait to get off work tonight. I am beyond tired. My eyes hurt but I don't want to sleep tonight because its Monday tomorrow and people show up at all kinds of times! Lol


Anyway, I was in a bad mood but it suddenly turned awesome when I got to talk to someone :)

I want to color! And I want to sleep. I am so tired :(

Go watch Friends with Benefits! It's an amazing movie :)

Smile it's the second best thing you can do with your lips<3

What is wrong with me?!

Seriously?! I went to bed at like 11 last night and I have been waking up since 0630! This is silly. Why won't my body just let me sleep?! Oh because it hates me! sheesh. This is getting old. My one day to sleep in and I am wide awake. :(

In other news, I have discovered that  I still suck at words. The other night when I posted my blog "For me and maybe the puppies" (or whatever I titled it)... I wanted to express that while I was waiting to take my FINAL CDC test I discovered I am reaching towards being a BTZ SrA for myself, I have no one to share my accomplishments with, no one to come home to and say look what I did and get a pat on the back. Nope it is just me and my puppies. To be honest they would love me no matter what do. Sometimes maybe even just a little too much but I love them anyway. It doesn't help the fact that I am alone.. PLEASE don't get me wrong I am not complaining about it. Living by myself has its perks but then again there are those times like the past few nights when I miss being held or talked to. The friends I normally text have all decided to be super quiet these past few days so it gets a little scary when I have no one to talk too and then I don't know.. I think silly things and they are in my head and go off on tagants and it just becomes very depressing.

I don't want my life to be depressing. I want to be outgoing. I want to hang out with the people I know and not just feel used. I want to have real friends who I can go and do things with even if it is just watching movies at one of the houses. Maybe I am wanting too much. I feel like I am a great friend to have around but sometimes I make it so awkward. It makes me think thats what people don't like about me... Which brings me back to a depressing thought! ugh.

Well yesterday I failed my PT test. It made me really mad. Not gonna lie. I have been training indoors, was expecting to run indoors and we didn't. When I was finished with the test I couldn't breathe, wanted to throw up but I didn't have anything to throw up. (I don't eat in the morning before a PT test) It was a mess. Came home, showered, and went to lunch with my friend Charles. After lunch I called to make an appointment with my doctor and was told I couldn't because I had to go to the ER first for Chest Pain and make a follow up appointment with them later.. (Come to find out later, you don't have to do that. They can't refuse to make you an appointment and they can't force you to go to the ER!) While I was at the ER, I was given a breathing treatment, mortion, a chest x-ray and a Cardiogram. That was fun. All to discover that I shouldn't of been running outside because it gave me a brochii spasm! Oh yay me! So this morning I have a little to none chest pain, still coughing like crazy, and it hurts a little when I breathe. I was told to take it easy. ugh. Stupid things and things. Just makes me so upset that I failed my PT test, it hurts when I do anything up in upper chest, I can't run for the next two days and I have to start getting ready for a PT test again in three months.

Good thing I enjoy working out.