Long time.. No words

Haven't written in a while and honestly I don't know what I haven't. I have so much to say but not the power to write it down. Many people know I suck at writing and even trying to think of putting my thoughts into words makes me tremble with fear of judgement but tonight I feel like I am just going to type to type.

I took Bella and Peanut to the Groomers on Saturday. It was absolutely wonderful! I am so use to getting told that my dogs are going to cost almost $60 a piece to get groomed but this lady, not only was she close she only charged me $40 a dog and did an amazing job! They seem so much happier to be clean and cool, it makes me happy. I would post a picture but the only one I got of them yesterday involves Peanut's butt and Bella sitting pretty. It was so cute. I can't believe how well behaved they are when I take them on car rides or to the park. I love that they are starting to listen extremely well to me when we are out of the house.

I have been working crazy hours at work lately too. I mean don't get me wrong I enjoy starting work later in the day I just hate getting off work later. It causes me to mess up my sleep schedule and be really tired the next day or grumpy.... which either one isn't good. But I have to get myself with more energy. The best way that I have come to realize for me to have energy and get my day going is by exercising, even if it is for 30 minutes. I need to be doing it. I was going to the gym every day this time last year and I have slipped. I need to get going again. I need to stick to what I said I was going to do.

With that being said I have failed miserably so far with my resolutions. I am trying to step up my game on about everything in my power and I just feel like I need to be a better person. Being in Dayton with everyone that I have met I feel like I am finally breaking out of my shell. I started selling Premier Designs and ever since I started speaking in front of others I have enjoyed getting up to get ready for the day and starting new things.... It just makes me feel like a better person one step at a time.

I need to get my thoughts together.. maybe I will write again tomorrow.

Laters.

New Year, New Leaf, New Me.

I usually write this on New Year's Eve but today I have decided I need to write it on Christmas Eve. This is a present to myself, all of these actions will be for me and only me.  

Resolutions: 

1. I am going to be nicer to everyone. The phrase "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" is going to be one of my main focuses this year. The thing is I am even extending this to those who have wronged me in the past also.  (And hoping some of those who I have wronged read this, might be encouraged to reach out to me...) but I am going to try to be a better person. I am not saying everyday is going to be perfect but it is going to be better than this year. 

2. I am challenging myself to wear make up every day, even if it is just mascara. I am goin to wear it. I am finding the days that I look beautiful are the days that I feel beautiful and have a more pleasant attitude. 

3. I am going to read at least two books a month. I am a slow reader :/. 

4. I am going to give up a few hours of tv for excerise and other activities that don't really require a television. 

5. I am going to work out more. By this time next year I would love to have a sculpted stomach and some defined arms. I want to be healthy not skinny. 

6. I am going to live everyday with no regrets. Life is too short for all the crap I have going on in it. I am going to take trips, volunteer and do things with my life while I  am young. I won't live forever. 

This is only the beginning. Most of these focus on me but i think that's what I need. I spend so much time worrying about others that it effects relationships I have and it isn't fair. I need to focus on one thing and get that stable before adding any more to my crazy wonderful life. 

Bring it on 2014. 

It's just a misunderstanding.... On my part.

So I am not a very strong person. I am quite insecure and hardly ever stand up for myself. I feel like I am alone in this world with a few select people who are patience enough to get to know me. Once they do, I am sure they find out quickly that I can be a sass, I am extremely stubborn and I don't like to be wrong. 

Which for me being wrong is one thing but to have people rub it in your face is just another story. An example; I was "invited" to go out this weekend for a little bit with a group of people I work with. No set time or date but I figured it would be early since that's what time they were getting together at the time I was invited. I was like cool. I have never been invited to hang out with them so I was really excited. So I apparently was told I talked about it a lot when I found out and the day after. Which if you know me if I get excited or happy about something it's a rare thing because I am such a Debbie downer all the time (even with trying not to be). But so yeah, I was excited. 

Today I made a status on Facebook about how excited I was for this weekend but also how busy I was making myself because I wanted to get so much stuff done. Everything was fine and I knew about a good 80% of my friends on Facebook didn't give a hoot but I wanted to post it. A little while after it had been up I got a comment about the invite that I received. Me being the prideful person I am didn't want to admit over Facebook that it was a mistake invite. The person was drunk out of their mind and didn't mean to invite me. Who ever wants to admit that they aren't cool enough to hang out with the cool kids? That's how it has been my whole life. I know I am an outsider and I have grown to accept it but it still hurts because I am such a weak person. I know most people are probably like get over it but it was kind of a big deal to me. So back to what I was saying, I was confirmed one way that it was a mistake and then once again at work about it being a mistake because I just wanted to make sure. So I was basically burned twice in one day about the same thing. 

I just don't understand why things needed to be said over Facebook or whatever and why people can't just text me or FaceTime or private message me about it. If what I was saying was bothering you you could of said something about it that nights and I would of shut up. I am good at that. 

Just feels like nothing I do is ever right. 

-Beautiful Disaster 

Random thoughts of a girl in a drink state.

I feel like my heart is breaking. I am reaching out for you but gettin nothing in return. I want to cry but I can't. I am craving you but I can't tell you. I have this idea in my head and I can't reach it. 

I am just trying to figure this out. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Just fix me. I am so emotionally damaged and I cry when I am alone. I dream about you... I crave you. 

I wish you were here. 

This is my life.... right?

Lately, I have been feeling like I don't really have much control over what I have doing. Monday through Friday I work, sometimes I work Saturday and Sunday but when I am not at work I am at home, studying. I can't help but question if I am truly happy or just going through the emotions.

I have been questioning a lot of my actions recently. I think before I can be in a relationship with anyone I need to work on myself. I am going to sign up for some sessions to be able to talk to someone about my life. Not just my friends, but someone who is trained and went to school to listen to others and give advice/guidance on this subject. Not that listening and getting help from friends isn't awesome I just feel like sometimes they would rather have me follow them then make my own decisions.. but eh. I hope that statement doesn't bother anyone but its just time I face the truth. I need some professional help. I need to start going back to church on the regular. I need to just be by myself for a little bit. I have always had someone in my life but right now... I need me. I need to dance and get down and just have a good time.

I feel like this is going to be a very big step in my "adult life" but I am ready for it.

Should of been writing my essay.

This entry in my basically unread blog is a rant. Well more like a complain post... but I could care less because for right now this is just who I am and I want to post this.

Lets see, I am tired of all the fake people in my life. CLEARLY, I am not the coolest person ever but you don't have to be a dick about it. I have feelings and they get hurt extremely easily. Not that its any of your business because you could care less and we aren't friends but you are just so... I don't even know why I am so upset about this. It just makes me so upset because I graduated high school 5 years and I feel like I am still in it. I want out of it! I want out NOW!

I just want to have real friends. I mean I do have friends that I can call and I am so thankful for that but I want people to be here to be able to hang out and drink or gossip or actual shoulder to cry on.. I don't know. I just want to go do something with people who know how to have a good time.

And I just I don't know... I just need to be happy.

I want to be happy. I will be happy.

Random thought of the day, I miss writing poetry. I remember in high school and even before just always writing. My grandma loved my writing. I need to get back into it. Like yesterday.

Btw, Iron Man 3 is out now.

Night all.

What a weekend.

I pretty much just go through the emotions during the week because I have so much to do with school and the dogs and "running" this house... But like I don't know, I realize I don't really reward myself for all the hard work I do, alone.

Last night, I got to hang out with my bestest and her husband. It was not awkward at all, it was really fun. We drank, watched 21 Jump Street, played rockband (first time, it was great!), just dance for the wii. I seriously, I couldn't stop laughing last night. It felt good. Like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulder and right now, I feel great. I just finished making this awesome shirt that I ll post at the end of this post but its awesome. I am gonna start working on this week's homework. I am really enjoying my Sunday.

I don't know if it is because I am getting a 5 day weekend this month or I have finally decided to not take life so serious that I am in such a great mood but I am loving it. I have so many plans and ideas for the future... It's just awesome. I can't wait to blog about my 5 day weekend because of a few things. 1) my navy friend is coming to visit me, 2) I get to attend my bestest and her husband's cookout and 3) I am going to Kings Island, for the first time ever.

I wish everyone who actually reads this the best of luck for the week, remember its always better tomorrow :)