New Year, New Leaf, New Me.

I usually write this on New Year's Eve but today I have decided I need to write it on Christmas Eve. This is a present to myself, all of these actions will be for me and only me.  

Resolutions: 

1. I am going to be nicer to everyone. The phrase "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" is going to be one of my main focuses this year. The thing is I am even extending this to those who have wronged me in the past also.  (And hoping some of those who I have wronged read this, might be encouraged to reach out to me...) but I am going to try to be a better person. I am not saying everyday is going to be perfect but it is going to be better than this year. 

2. I am challenging myself to wear make up every day, even if it is just mascara. I am goin to wear it. I am finding the days that I look beautiful are the days that I feel beautiful and have a more pleasant attitude. 

3. I am going to read at least two books a month. I am a slow reader :/. 

4. I am going to give up a few hours of tv for excerise and other activities that don't really require a television. 

5. I am going to work out more. By this time next year I would love to have a sculpted stomach and some defined arms. I want to be healthy not skinny. 

6. I am going to live everyday with no regrets. Life is too short for all the crap I have going on in it. I am going to take trips, volunteer and do things with my life while I  am young. I won't live forever. 

This is only the beginning. Most of these focus on me but i think that's what I need. I spend so much time worrying about others that it effects relationships I have and it isn't fair. I need to focus on one thing and get that stable before adding any more to my crazy wonderful life. 

Bring it on 2014. 

It's just a misunderstanding.... On my part.

So I am not a very strong person. I am quite insecure and hardly ever stand up for myself. I feel like I am alone in this world with a few select people who are patience enough to get to know me. Once they do, I am sure they find out quickly that I can be a sass, I am extremely stubborn and I don't like to be wrong. 

Which for me being wrong is one thing but to have people rub it in your face is just another story. An example; I was "invited" to go out this weekend for a little bit with a group of people I work with. No set time or date but I figured it would be early since that's what time they were getting together at the time I was invited. I was like cool. I have never been invited to hang out with them so I was really excited. So I apparently was told I talked about it a lot when I found out and the day after. Which if you know me if I get excited or happy about something it's a rare thing because I am such a Debbie downer all the time (even with trying not to be). But so yeah, I was excited. 

Today I made a status on Facebook about how excited I was for this weekend but also how busy I was making myself because I wanted to get so much stuff done. Everything was fine and I knew about a good 80% of my friends on Facebook didn't give a hoot but I wanted to post it. A little while after it had been up I got a comment about the invite that I received. Me being the prideful person I am didn't want to admit over Facebook that it was a mistake invite. The person was drunk out of their mind and didn't mean to invite me. Who ever wants to admit that they aren't cool enough to hang out with the cool kids? That's how it has been my whole life. I know I am an outsider and I have grown to accept it but it still hurts because I am such a weak person. I know most people are probably like get over it but it was kind of a big deal to me. So back to what I was saying, I was confirmed one way that it was a mistake and then once again at work about it being a mistake because I just wanted to make sure. So I was basically burned twice in one day about the same thing. 

I just don't understand why things needed to be said over Facebook or whatever and why people can't just text me or FaceTime or private message me about it. If what I was saying was bothering you you could of said something about it that nights and I would of shut up. I am good at that. 

Just feels like nothing I do is ever right. 

-Beautiful Disaster 

Random thoughts of a girl in a drink state.

I feel like my heart is breaking. I am reaching out for you but gettin nothing in return. I want to cry but I can't. I am craving you but I can't tell you. I have this idea in my head and I can't reach it. 

I am just trying to figure this out. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Just fix me. I am so emotionally damaged and I cry when I am alone. I dream about you... I crave you. 

I wish you were here. 

This is my life.... right?

Lately, I have been feeling like I don't really have much control over what I have doing. Monday through Friday I work, sometimes I work Saturday and Sunday but when I am not at work I am at home, studying. I can't help but question if I am truly happy or just going through the emotions.

I have been questioning a lot of my actions recently. I think before I can be in a relationship with anyone I need to work on myself. I am going to sign up for some sessions to be able to talk to someone about my life. Not just my friends, but someone who is trained and went to school to listen to others and give advice/guidance on this subject. Not that listening and getting help from friends isn't awesome I just feel like sometimes they would rather have me follow them then make my own decisions.. but eh. I hope that statement doesn't bother anyone but its just time I face the truth. I need some professional help. I need to start going back to church on the regular. I need to just be by myself for a little bit. I have always had someone in my life but right now... I need me. I need to dance and get down and just have a good time.

I feel like this is going to be a very big step in my "adult life" but I am ready for it.

Should of been writing my essay.

This entry in my basically unread blog is a rant. Well more like a complain post... but I could care less because for right now this is just who I am and I want to post this.

Lets see, I am tired of all the fake people in my life. CLEARLY, I am not the coolest person ever but you don't have to be a dick about it. I have feelings and they get hurt extremely easily. Not that its any of your business because you could care less and we aren't friends but you are just so... I don't even know why I am so upset about this. It just makes me so upset because I graduated high school 5 years and I feel like I am still in it. I want out of it! I want out NOW!

I just want to have real friends. I mean I do have friends that I can call and I am so thankful for that but I want people to be here to be able to hang out and drink or gossip or actual shoulder to cry on.. I don't know. I just want to go do something with people who know how to have a good time.

And I just I don't know... I just need to be happy.

I want to be happy. I will be happy.

Random thought of the day, I miss writing poetry. I remember in high school and even before just always writing. My grandma loved my writing. I need to get back into it. Like yesterday.

Btw, Iron Man 3 is out now.

Night all.

What a weekend.

I pretty much just go through the emotions during the week because I have so much to do with school and the dogs and "running" this house... But like I don't know, I realize I don't really reward myself for all the hard work I do, alone.

Last night, I got to hang out with my bestest and her husband. It was not awkward at all, it was really fun. We drank, watched 21 Jump Street, played rockband (first time, it was great!), just dance for the wii. I seriously, I couldn't stop laughing last night. It felt good. Like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulder and right now, I feel great. I just finished making this awesome shirt that I ll post at the end of this post but its awesome. I am gonna start working on this week's homework. I am really enjoying my Sunday.

I don't know if it is because I am getting a 5 day weekend this month or I have finally decided to not take life so serious that I am in such a great mood but I am loving it. I have so many plans and ideas for the future... It's just awesome. I can't wait to blog about my 5 day weekend because of a few things. 1) my navy friend is coming to visit me, 2) I get to attend my bestest and her husband's cookout and 3) I am going to Kings Island, for the first time ever.

I wish everyone who actually reads this the best of luck for the week, remember its always better tomorrow :)

Just a little hello.

I have been extremely busy these past few weeks to really update anyone on anything.

I started my second class at Ashford on Tuesday and its English. Anyone who knows me, knows i suck at English. Right now though I seem to be doing better than my first class and I am pretty excited about it.

Family life has been going pretty well. My mom and sister finally got iPhones so we can FaceTime and I have been able to "spend more time" with them. It's been great. My sisters birthday was this week. I can't wait for her to get her gift. Don't want to spoil it but I am pretty excited about it.

Work is lame. Just FYI. I work way too much.


Lady on the street but a freak in the bed :)

I am going crazy since its 0115 in the morning! :)

To my future children.

Dear my Future children,

I promise to you that when you are here with me, that you may not always be happy with me but you will be loved. You will not bully other children, you will behave in public and you will respect others. I don't want to raise bad children. I want you to grow up to be responsible adults but also have an amazing childhood. I want you to be happy, loved and always be a kind person.

I don't want to raise bad children. I don't want to raise bullies. I want my children to be the ones who stand up for others.

I haven't met you and I don't know when I will but know that I will love you with everything i am. I love you and I haven't even met you yet.

Love always and forever,

Your future Mom.

Limits?

I feel like everyone has limits. That we all reach either sooner or later and once we get there all hell can break lose.

Just like my life lately has been one thing after another pushing my limits. First it was my work schedule. It was constantly changing. Next it was people who wanted to call me their friend but would only call/text if they needed something or especially a dd because they know I won't drink when I am out ... And if I do, it isn't a lot and I am still able to drive home. Shoot though, I wish I could just let go. I want to have a good time. I am so over being responsible. I want to be the fun Amanda...

I have so much to do. I have so much to learn. I have so much sleeping to do....

Thunder and Rain

It's days/nights like this where all I want to do is be wrapped up in you. It's thundering so much outside and it's shaking my house... Super surprised my dogs aren't barking like crazy right now.

That's beside the point, I am just looking for reasons to avoid what's really on my mind. I am being lied to a lot, I don't like it. I am sure no one does but honestly everyone has their breaking point and I am at mine.

If you are my friend you can tell me anything. Ill keep my mouth shut if you ask me too. I won't share your secrets and I will keep them yours. BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING. I had to find this out over Facebook and it involved me. I feel like that should of been the first thing you ever told me. I wish I could go I to detail about this because I am sure you all think I am talking about Nate but I am not. It is someone else, someone I thought I could trust.

Clearly I can't. It makes me sad but it's the way things are.

Rain and thunder, you are so peaceful to listen to as I fall asleep. At least you are always there for me.

holla!

Clearly, I suck at updating this thing. I have so much to say but it all comes to me at like 10ish and I am nah I'll do it in the morning but the morning gets busy and if anyone else just realized it I believe I am making up excuses... 

FAMILY

OH the wonderful things a family can do and what they mean. About a month ago we lost the rock in our family. My grandma. She passed away from a long hard fight of cancer. She is the most amazing woman you could and ever will meet. I love her more than words could describe. It breaks my heart that I didn't make it.. but I can't really go into that here. Just know that she is missed very much but everyone in my family.  
Family, isn't just blood though. I have recently discovered that I have an "Ohio Family" also. People who even though they act like butts, actually really do create a semi dysfunctional family here. I have honestly met some of the coolest people ever, that I am going to be scared of leaving when and if the time comes.. but PCSing is a long ways off for me at least.. It just makes me sad to think about. 

LIFE

So, whats going on with me? Lets see, I finally have my 5 level which basically means I get to do more stuff on my own and be held at a higher standard when training others. Its been fun... so far. I have a cat now. Her name is Gracie. She is a bug, whines at everything and is seriously the cutest thing ever. Even if she chews up tags on new clothes and attacks the water in the shower. She loves water, just FYI. Bella and Peanut are doing great. They are almost over having a cat in the house but Bella still wants to play with Gracie. So that is always an ongoing battle but they get along so I am fine with it. 

I started eating healthier. Started with a grocery bill of about $149 but I have started. I got a lot of fruit, chicken, fish and juice. Thats something I noticed, I always forget to buy veggies when I go grocery shopping. I sometimes forget to put it on the list or I remember it as I am walking in the store but never go to pick it up. Silly me. Limited Veggies until next paycheck. :) But I am happy to be eating well. Yesterday I made a sandwich with pickles and mustard. I was in heaven. It tasted so amazing. Tonight I am thinking about making something a little more heartier because I get off work at 10 and I don't want to eat when I get home. 

SCHOOL! I finally did it. I am enrolled at Ashford. It is pretty awesome. I am currently in a PSY 202 class and as much as I love writing about myself... (ha ha) It has actually been kind of hard. A lot of reading and having to cite the book is super annoying because if I have to cite it, it doesn't feel like my writing it feels like the quote from the book was just placed there. I have always had that problem with my writing. It never really flows easily. Always a hiccup somewhere. 

Well I am off to get ready for work and I can here the puppies starting to stir. Have an awesome day everyone. 

Awkward.

I felt sexy last night. I had matching panties and a bra, black. It was hot. I dressed like that thinking about you. Even knowing you would never see it.

I am so over my breaking heart for you.

You know what I miss...

I miss cuddling. I miss being imitate. I dream about it. I long for it. I look for you.. In everything. I dream about you walking into the room, wrapping your arms around me and letting me fall asleep in your arms.

Ah, but sadly this is all a dream. I know it's wrong. I know I should behave but you make me want to kiss you and you don't even do anything. Just me wishing for something that I know is never going to happen. " The words we never speak are the ones that hurt us the most."

So close...

I love being around you. I don't know what or why it is but I do. Maybe love is too Strong of a word, maybe I should go with enjoy with so much happiness that I might explode!

Either way I talk about it, I get really happy. You make me smile and I get to laugh. I know you are an awesome friend and that's all this could ever be but sometimes I don't know, sometimes I find myself wishing for more. Even though, I know that's not possible.

I find myself being ... Well being me. Emotions and feelings and all...

I wish I knew what they meant.

This feeling...

I can't explain anything I am feeling anymore. I want to dance and sing and be happy and jump and do things people when they are happy but I don't know if I really want to.

While I am happy or whatever it is that I am feeling I am also so sacred of everything that could destroy my semi state of being happy... And I don't even know why I am happy when I feel so alone maybe it is because I am cleaning and starting to make this house feel like a home or maybe it because I am starting to discover who I really am...

Little Miss School Girl over here.

AHHH!!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!!

I am so close to starting school!!! I am going to be doing online classes and I am so excited.

Now I just have to decide what I am going to do. I was thinking Marketing again. I understood it and I wanted to make people happy and just enjoy my work... and I could still be a buyer... I could move to where I want to go...

BUT then I am like I want to be teacher, nurse, scrub tech, and so much more...

I just wish I would make up my mind.. I need to decide..

Credit. You can go suck it

I hate credit. Like no joke. I don't have any credit cards, I have one school loan that I am working on playing back but all of the credit cards I had have been paid off for years. The one credit card I have is with the Base and that gets paid on every month. So what is the deal?!

I don't understand and it is making me upset. I want to get a new couch or something to start rebuilding my credit but every time I do a credit check it dings my credit and it just makes me upset. All these just because cards that are "pre approved" or whatever where they say you are approved every time are lies. I just want to rebuild my credit!! so bad!!

Suggestions? Anything? I am open to it.

I'm moving.

I never realized like fully how much stress comes with moving and living alone. I feel like I am overwhelmed and panicked all the time!

First I moved the dogs over here, along with an air mattress to sleep on with them here. Now I have been bringing over some things little by little. But tonight when I went over there there was a funny feeling about the apartment. Maybe it is just because I have been in love with the house basically and haven't been over there in a few days.... but yeah, it is crazy...


Moving seriously is stressing me out. I feel like I need to drink or sleep all the time.

I may be going crazy..

So lately I have been having all these ideas and thoughts and wonderings about what it would be like to have a baby... I'm gonna be 23 this year. I had always thought that by this age I would be done with school, planning a wedding, talking about children...

It's just funny how fast your life can change. So many what ifs unanswered ... But you can't live in a world of what if. You just have to live. You have to let go of the past and move on.